Jokes

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Piety and Gambling…

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic Churches there than Casinos… And so, as expected… some worshippers at Services Sunday Mornings will give on hand Casino Chips instead of dollars when the Basket is passed around at service’s end…

Since the Churches get Chips from all of the different Casinos, the Churches have devised a unique sorting and repayment method for the collected offerings… All of the collected chips are sent to the nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then individual cashing in at the various Casino’s all over Las Vegas, and indeed, in Nevada, as the different Casino chips mount up.

This is done by the Chip Monks…

…………………………………..

A Trucker…

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when a man whose truck had broken down flagged her down……

The man walked up to the car and asked:

“Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.

My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?

I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde lady walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde, “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

A Birthday Treat…

On his birthday a Wife treats her Husband to an evening out at a Strip Club.

As they enter the Doorman says:

“Hi Jim, good to see you… how’s it be?”

Jim relies:

“Fine, you?”

And his wife asks querulously:

“Honey… he knows you?”

And Jim says:

“Football, we play Tuesday night pick-up football together…”

And just as the happy couple reaches the bar… the Bartender says:

“Hi Jim… the usual?”

And Jim says to his wife:

“Before you ask… he’s on the darts team at the Rotary…”

And as the last word leaves Jim’s lips a Stripper walks over and says:

“Jimmy!  … You want that special again?”

Now the Wife has had enough… She grabs her Husband by his shirt collar and storms out of the Club and into a Taxi waiting at the curb outside.  And the Taxi Driver looks into his rear view mirror and says…

“Hey Jimmy Boy!  You really picked up an ugly one this time…”

Jim’s Funeral is Sunday.

The Stuttering Cat
as explained by a 4th Grade Student…

A Teacher is explaining Biology to her 4th grade Class, the Teacher says:

“Human Beings are the only animals that stutter…”

A Little Girl raises her hand and when recognized says:

“I had a Kitty-Cat who stuttered.”

The Teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the Little Girl to describe the incident.

“Well…” began the Little Girl…

“I was in the back yard with my Kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start in his yard… And before we knew it he’d jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“That must’ve been scary” said the teacher.

“It sure was…” said the little girl…

And she continued:

“My Kitty raised her back and went:

Ffffff!… Ffffff!… Ffffff!

But before she could say “Fuck!” the Rottweiler ate her!”

The Teacher had to leave the room.